The New Year’s Resolutions Of A Bad Golfer

I suppose I should start by resolving to become a better golfer in 2008, but at my age that seems like a bit of a waste of a resolution. Although I used to have a regular game with a retired chef by the name of Eddie Andrews who could barely hit the ball 200 yards. What Eddie lacked in power he made up for in finesse. While the rest of us were gripping and ripping and missing the fairways, steady Eddie would ease it right down the middle. A chip and a putt later and he would win the hole and the money.

You would think that after hooking more balls than I can count into the woods swinging for the fence, I would eventually understand that I am not a long-ball hitter, even on a good day.

Where is my Dave Pelz videotape?

So, the smart thing to do in 2008 would be to concentrate on pitching and putting. Let the flat-bellies swing for the fences. I’ll keep it in play and pound on you with my short game. I’ll re-shaft my clubs with A-flexes and slow down my swing. I’ll remove my cleats to help me stay light on my feet and not be tempted to dig in and rip it. I’ll practice my chipping until I can stop the ball on the downwind edge of a glass coffee table. I’ll practice putting until the hole looks as big as a hubcap from a ’57 Chevy.

Gosh, that sounds like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll only swing hard on the par fives and the long par fours, or if it is downwind and I can get some extra carry, or into the wind when I really need more distance, or up hill, or…

Hey, I think I can swing hard and still learn to chip and putt better. Come to think of it, the further I hit the ball the easer the chip will be, and the easer the chip the closer the putt, and the closer the putt the easier the putt.

This really is an easy game.

And since this is such an easy game, my New Year’s resolution is that all of us work less and play golf more. Let’s resolve to play every week and three days in a row at least four times in 2008. Let’s also resolve to practice now and then and warm-up before every round in 2008. No more cold shafting it. Yeah, that’s a bit like work, but we should give it a try don’t you think?

How about we all go with the flow a bit more in 2008, as well. As they say in New Orleans, Laissez le bon roulement de périodes, or let the good times roll and all that stuff. Stop and smell fairways and enjoy life more than we did in 2008.

We should also resolve to laugh more in 2008. God knows there are a million reasons to frown: the war, the price of gas and everything else. Still, we should take every opportunity to laugh when possible, especially on the golf course.

Finally, I hope you miss-hits all of your miss-reads into the hole. I hope you get a member’s bounce every time you swing. Above all, take care of yourself, your family and your friends and stay safe because I need all the readers I can get.

Christmas Balls And Other Golf Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Anyone

A message to all non-golfers; in the spirit of Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanza please don’t buy me golf balls with pictures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Technically, I suppose they are okay to hit; I just hate it when someone is helping me look for my ball and I have to admit, “Yes, it’s the one with the Rocky The Flying Squirrel.”

Also, don’t buy me that golf clock with the hour and minute hands made from the golfers arms. No one wants to look at a clock and see a cartoon golfer in some strange swing position at around ten after two in the afternoon. If I want to see a bad swing I’ll look in the mirror.

Please don’t buy me clever head covers with animal heads or cartoon creatures. I’m not Tiger Woods and I certainly don’t want anyone to think that I think I might be remotely good enough to use the same head cover. How good do you have to be to have a tiger head cover? I don’t know, but a lot better than me.

While we are at it, please don’t buy me one of those skin-tight Tiger Woods mock-turtle necks either. The next time I want to feel that bad about my body I’ll get a full-length mirror in the shower. I don’t know where you’re from, but in my foursome saggy man-breasts are not in style.

Never buy me one of those all-in-one golf tools. You know the kind that fix divots, mark your ball, clean your spikes and stamps your name on your balls all at the same time. Nothing in life should be required to perform so many tasks. I mark my ball with a coin, I clean my spikes with the wire brush on the bottom of the ball washer and I identify my ball with a felt-tip pin.

And please, please don’t buy me golf clothing such as knickers, argyle sweaters or socks, or hats with “I’d Rather Be Golfing” written across the front. Actually anything that says, “I’d Rather Be Golfing” on it anywhere is a no, no.

Never buy me anything that says, “As Seen On TV” on the package.

And never buy me golf lessons from a guy with the first name “Ace.” Stick with Butch and Hank. Randy Smith would be nice, too.

Whatever you do, don’t ever buy me a book on golf fitness, and God forbid a membership in a gym. If I were remotely interested in exercise I wouldn’t be playing golf. I understand that walking a golf course is a great way to get exercise, and that for the most part, the joy of walking the course has been lost in our busy life style. However, I get enough of the “joy of walking” fetching beer from the refrigerator.

Here are a few more things not to buy me: The WOW PUTTER with a compass, level, measuring tape, etc. For someone who has lost countless bets because of bad putting, this is not remotely funny.

Nudie tees are one more distraction I don’t need, and besides the tees have no head, which kind of freaks me out.

No one needs or wants a talking head cover for any reason, at any time. If someone gives you this gift they are trying to tell you that they are not your friend. If your wife gives this to you then you may want to consider surveillance.

Ceramic chip and dip plates (get it, chip and dip?) are not funny and worst of all they are not appetizing so why mess up two sports (golf and eating) with them.

Lastly, whatever you do, never buy me the POTTY PUTTER for any reason.

Happy Holidays.